Author Archives: Kirstine

ADHD relationships face the same struggles as every other relationship, just more so. It’s about balance and fairness and making sure that both partners get their needs met. Unfortunately, despite the best of intentions from both partners, things get off track and neither is able to get them back on. They both get more frustrated and try harder. Some things get better, but other things get worse. When you put it all together, ADHD adults are twice as likely as those without ADHD to separate or divorce and report less marital satisfaction.

Although every relationship is unique in its own way, relationships where one person has ADHD tend to fall into a certain pattern, especially before a diagnosis is made and treatment begun. This may be less obvious when the couple is initially dating, although there may be signs that become apparent in retrospect. For every relationship, things are much less complicated before the couple lives together. They don’t need to coordinate shopping, laundry, cleaning, and finances, so different styles and preferences are less problematic. In addition, because it’s easier to put our best foot forward when dating and harder to hide things when living together, the couple may be surprised by what they learn about each other when they move in. People with ADHD may be especially prone to problems when the thrill of the relationship is gone and consistency is required to maintain the mundane.

Once the couple lives together, it’s too easy to fall into a pattern where the non ADHD partner feels compelled to take on more and more responsibilities to ensure that they are done completely and on time. This is a gradual progression, as the non-ADHD partner slowly adds more tasks to her workload, often after the ADHD partner drops the ball on them for the final time. Initially, this is a good balance, in that she enjoys being needed and doing things her way, and the ADHD partner is more than happy to hand over some of his responsibilities- and not be yelled at for doing them wrong, at least as his partner defines wrong.

Over time, though, the non-ADHD partner begins to realize the full extent of her partner’s difficulties and that she will need to carry this extra burden for the duration of the relationship. At this point, she may become increasingly resentful, angry, and demanding, as she tries to whip her partner into shape and lighten her load. Meanwhile, the ADHD partner is once again on the receiving end of that all-too-familiar criticism of not doing things right, of not doing what he’s supposed to, and of just generally not living up to expectations.

And so the chase begins. The non-ADHD partner does everything she can to balance the scales and feel less overwhelmed. She will start out by begging for more help and make reasonable requests, like shifting responsibility for paying the bills to her partner. Then when that doesn’t work, she will get angry and blame her partner and make unreasonable demands, like pushing him get a second job because “all” of their financial troubles are completely his fault. Initially the ADHD partner will really push himself to rise to the occasion and do what his partner asks, but as you well know, this doesn’t last for long, because other demands of daily life begin to intrude. As his partner becomes increasingly angry, he tries to avoid the confrontation, making promises he can’t keep and lying about what he’s taken care of, all the while resenting being bossed around.

This tug war continues, as each partner tries to improve the situation. This involves two separate but related areas of the relationship:

• Emotional. Love, romance, and caring are crucial to every relationship. It burns brightest in the beginning, and then becomes deeper and more subdued over time. This also involves the feeling that your partner is looking out for you and that your happiness is important to him or her.

• Practical. Every relationship needs to get some things done. In the beginning, it’s relatively easy stuff like meeting at the restaurant at pretty much the same time. When the couple lives together, they also need to pay bills and buy groceries. If they have kids, they have a million more tasks to take care of.

People with ADHD mostly have trouble with practical aspects of relationships, so their partners often take on more of that burden. However, people with ADHD may also have trouble with showing the emotional aspects. This can be big things, like throwing together a disappointing birthday celebration because they didn’t plan ahead. It can also be small things, like giving the impression that they aren’t paying attention when their partner is talking.

As much as we all strive for balance and fairness, few relationships are truly fair. Each partner has different abilities, energy levels and motivations, and these can change over time and circumstances. However, as long as the couple is doing well in the emotional area, they can tolerate some difference in the practical area. Most of us are willing to do some extra work if we feel that our partner is at least trying. Trouble starts in the practical area when one partner feels that the other isn’t trying hard enough or if the imbalance is just too big to tolerate. In the emotional area, trouble starts when at least one of the partners feels that the other isn’t looking out for him, either by not doing enough or by being too critical.
This is when the couple starts trying both emotional and practical solutions, like more quiet time together or rebalancing the workload. Some of these solutions work quite well, but some of them don’t especially if they don’t have ADHD on their radar screen. Eventually, if these strategies don’t help enough, they may seek out professional help, hopefully with someone who really understands ADHD. For some couples, there is too much damage done by this time and the relationship ends anyway, but hopefully in a more amicable way. Other couples really work hard both by changing what they do and by changing their expectations for each other.

Given that ADHD affects every other aspect of relationship functioning, of course it also affects sexual functioning. Commonly cited are issues related to the timing and frequency of sex, amount of foreplay, and balancing both partners’ sexual needs from moment to moment. More basically, a satisfying sex life requires a certain amount of time and energy. ADHD-based time management difficulties and lost efficiencies can squeeze out the time for sex. In addition, a romantic partner who is resentful about carrying an unfair share of the household burdens may also be less interested.

Perhaps not surprisingly, an effective medication regimen can improve things in the bedroom too, by helping the ADHD partner to maintain attention, be more aware of the other’s needs, and display an improved capacity to delay gratification. Of course, because the most commonly used medication class, the stimulants, will have mostly worn off by the end of the day, it may be helpful to have sex earlier in the day or evening to take advantage of this improvement.

You think you’re listening but fail to hear all that’s said

Sandra arrived early at work, ready to begin that special project that was due in a week. She proudly put the papers in order and began working at the computer. Focusing on the project, she quickly completed the first three sections. This time she would not be late. This time she would be successful. She went into the hall to take a break. But the hall was filled with people talking and the sounds of business machines in action. There she met her boss who was hurrying off to a meeting. He asked her about her progress on the project. Sandra proudly told him that she was well on target for the completion date next week. He was pleased and told her so. Basking in the praise, she failed to hear his next words: “Give me a progress report at the end of the day to take to the board meeting tonight”. He again wished her well and she went back to work on the project. Sandra worked tirelessly on the project, beaming from the encouragement of her boss. The project was coming together nicely. Sandra went home very pleased with herself. But there was no progress report on the boss’s desk at the end of the day! The next day the boss was very angry with Sandra’s lack of follow-through on such an important matter. Since this was not the first time Sandra had failed to follow instructions, he put her on probation. Sandra was heartbroken and confused. She thought she had done all that was asked of her. “ Why are people so difficult to work with?” she wondered.

Reasoning:

The Diagnosis of ADHD does not mean that you have an absence of attention, but rather that you have an inconsistent attentional pattern. At times-in fact, most time-conversations are heard. But sometimes there are lapses in attention because you have shifted focus. Often this shift of focus goes unnoticed by both parties in a conversation, and that can cause problems. We saw that in Sandra’s story, she never knew she missed her boss’s instructions, and neither did he. Jim Reisinger, President of ADDien , describes these brief lapses of attention as “blinks” For those with ADHD, he says, the world is sprinkled with information holes created by these blinks. Since no one realizes that a blink has occurred, everyone ‘assumes’ that everyone heard all the information that was said. And we all know what happens when you assume something!

Hence it is important, that a diagnosis is being taken, so that an ADHD employer as well as an ADHD child in school is being equipped with interventions. Equally so, is it important that those people who are part of the ADHD’ers everyday life, that they are being informed. People who do not hear properly puts on hearing aids, likewise people who do not see properly put on glasses in order to read. “Blinks” in the head are just invisible for the listener, so everyone should bear that in mind, and repeat the statements or ask if the ADHD’er has understood.